Do you want to know the secret to a great relationship?
What would you say if I told you that it has almost nothing to do with the personality of the person you're with?
A recent study1, based on a survey of over 11,000 couples, revealed that shared dynamics of a relationship played a more significant role in determining the quality of the relationship than the personality traits of the individuals involved. The researchers found that the history the couple shared, the dynamic they developed between them, and the vocabulary and story they created were the key predictors of long-term relationship happiness.
How we've grown together is much more important than who we were as individuals.
It's difficult to join a relationship in the middle
When a non-Jew comes to convert, the Gemara2 writes that we tell the potential convert: "Don't you know that Jews are downtrodden, hurt, beat down, etc." If the convert answers, "Yes I know, and though I'm not worthy I'd like to join," we accept them immediately. Many people understand this passage to mean that once the non-Jew has decided to throw his mortal lot in with the Jewish people, we accept him in with open arms.
I would like to suggest an alternative.
We are saying something much more fundamental to the convert than just, "you might die," and he is saying something much more profound than, "ok!" Anyone can offer themselves up as a martyr—religious fervour is a well-documented phenomenon. No, I think what's happening here is much more subtle and powerful.
We are saying, "Don't you know, Mr. Convert, that the Jews have suffered hand in hand with God for the better part of three thousand years? Don't you know the trials and tribulations we've gone through together? Don't you understand the shared history and love that flows between us, the depth of relationship borne out of our long and unbreakable commitment to one another?" Here, the convert's response is far different. "I know I'm not worthy," he says, "yet, I would like to be a part of it anyway. I would like to experience, even in part, this unbreakable love." At this point, says the Gemara, he is immediately accepted.
Relationships are stronger after a fight
What are the roots of such a primal and intense love that God and the Jews have for one another? Why does God say in this week's parasha3, "God's portion is the Jewish people"? The story begins long ago, with Abraham and his discovery of God, but we'll fast forward to our first major fight.
On the 17th of Tamuz, Moshe comes down the mountain, clutching the tablets carved by God. He is greeted with a horrific sight—the very nation that stood under the wedding canopy with God not two months prior has taken a mistress. Enraged, Moshe breaks the tablets, setting in motion a process of rupture and reconciliation that culminates on Yom Kippur.
On Yom Kippur, Moshe descends again, bearing with him not only a new set of tablets but a renewed commitment from God to the Jewish people. A commitment to "live among them, in their impurity."4 Yom Kippur becomes the day that we renew our vows with God, pledging once more to be faithful, and it's the day that God forgives us, welcoming us back home with open arms.
This is the Yom Kippur that we experience today. This is the Yom Kippur where we meet God, where we sit together and watch our wedding video again, chills running down our arms as we relive that wonderful day so many years ago. This is the day when we turn to God with full hearts and commit yet again, as we have every year before and will do every year hence, to love and care for Him and His Torah. To be a faithful and loving partner, to the best of our ability. And God, for his part, responds in kind: "I recalled for you the kindness of your youth, your bridal love, your coming after Me in the wilderness, in an unsown land.”5
A love poem
Ha'azinu, the parasha we read during Shabbat Shuvah—the shabbat of the return to Hashem—is called a "song". If words speak in a language that touches the intellect, song speaks in a language which touches the soul. It stirs our emotions, on a level that we're not consciously aware of. Want to experience this viscerally? Go and watch a horror film with the music turned off—not so scary anymore huh?
This song is a song of God's love for us. It's a song of our betrayal of that love. It's a song of repair, of a bond that's unbreakable, because "God's portion is His people".6 It tells exactly the story we need to hear before Yom Kippur—the story of love given, lost, and discovered again.
Ha'azinu is the story of why we say to the ger, "What about this three-thousand-year history that the Jews and God share?" and why the ger responds, "I know I'm interjecting, but I'm also in love with God."
The message
As we go into Yom Kippur, Moshe's parting words ring in our ears, "For this is not an empty thing for you, but it is your life."7 Let us sit this year on Yom Kippur, wherever we may be, and turn our hearts towards heaven. Let us remember how much we have traversed together with God and the depth of our relationship with Him. Let us commit to living in the way we are commanded to, fully and uncompromisingly ourselves, in relationship to God.
https://www.inverse.com/mind-body/dating-study-predicts-happy-relationships
Yevamot 47a
Devarim 32:9
Vayikra 16:16
Jeremiah 2:2
Devarim 32:9
Devarim 32:47